I was reading a friend of mine’s blog (which and who I greatly admire she is an amazing headstrong feminist and black at that) and it was about this crazy man who she had to block on Facebook. It got me thinking about men and how yes indeed they are crazy. Then it got me thinking about how men are always looking for some type of “loop hole” in any self proclaimed “feminist’s” politics. While I constantly credit feminism for saving my life (and I still hold to that) one of the problems that have manifested is men’s use of feminism as leverage. I believe that about 75% of men think like this – 20% are worst and 5% are legit pro-feminist men.

Men use feminism to their advantage. It’s an excuse for laziness, a lack of ambition, and a lack of accountability and culpability. For example, if a woman expects certain things from a man particularly in a monogamous relationship, such as for the man to be the main breadwinner (although she works too), take care of the finances, take care of the vehicles, mow the lawn etc., any feminist identity that she has is negated. Personally, I think that this is bullshit. Most men want to assume the societal conceived “manly” role in a relationship and there are a host of things that accompany this role. The problem with men these days is that they want to take the parts that give them the power and control of the relationship and leave the rest or yet chalk it up to feminism and female independence. Personally, I like my men to be “men”. I like the alpha male types. However, as a black woman and more specifically a black heterosexual radical feminist woman, I understand that in order to have a healthy, workable, genuine, loving partnership with this type of man, I have to make a place for him in my life. No man of this type will accept taking a backseat or a “feminine” role in the relationship nor is that what I desire. This type of man is take charge and wants to be a dynamic and influential force in his partner’s life.  This is to say that any alpha male has to feel needed not just wanted. As a radical feminist and a black woman, I truly feel as though I don’t need a man to fulfill any of the necessities for survival or other wants for that matter. If I need food, shelter, water, I can work for it. If I need sex, I can walk right into Spencer’s or my local sex toy store and purchase a new bf (and from experience this is necessary sometimes even when you have a male partner – ugh!). I can take a class to learn how to maintain my car, purchase AAA or go to Jiffy Lube for car-related issues. Men are not a necessity in any women’s much less a radical feminist woman’s life. This is not 1950 – I can open my own account. I can’t be denied from any services based on my gender (even though I know this right is violated especially when it comes to reproductive issues). Men only become a necessity when you make them one. But this is a crucial point if you are a radical feminist who desire a partnership with this type of man. Not only do you sometimes have to tone down your radical voice (or rather mask it with terms of endearment and a softer teaching tone) but you have to be ready to surrender some of your own stark perceptions of independence and be vulnerable. Vulnerability is what makes these types of relationships work. Otherwise he can’t get to your heart because there is a feminist anger towards men that is blocking him. But if push comes to shove – you have your own money, education, and know-how to navigate life.

I am in no way advocating for women to not be independent. I am only advising feminist who identify the same way to not let their feminist politics as a whole stand in the way of true love. If he’s outright misogynist – drop him. If he isn’t willing to have discussions and be educated about the errors in his thinking – drop him. No radical feminist can genuinely find true love with an individual who can’t at the very least listen and acknowledge that maybe she has a point. I am also challenging you to find a radical feminist who is in a relationship with the very type of man I’ve described who hasn’t “toned down” to a certain extent. I am in no way advocating this type of vulnerability toward every and any man – he must earn it first! He has to earn your trust and know where you stand politically before you do him the honor of not choking him every time he says something sexist/misogynist. If you tell me you know one then I will tell you that’s a lie. I’m not advocating for you to be fake. I am not advocating for you to be a different person around you partner and another around your feminist friends. Always and forever my political allegiance is to my feminism first. However, I am advocating that you change your approach and have some sensitivity when addressing radical feminist topics or confronting issues from a radical feminist standpoint. Don’t expect to agree. Don’t expect him to get it. Don’t expect him to become a pro-feminist man. But do expect him to support your ventures in feminism. Do expect him to develop sensitivity for women and feminist issues. Do expect him to acknowledge and accept that women are at a disadvantage in society without the follow-up of “but so are men”. Do expect him to gradually become more interested in feminism and women related issues. And lastly, expect him to realize and accept that you will never have sympathy for men or advocate for them and that when you say “I hate men” there is no reason for him to take it personally.

This is all to make the point that as a heterosexual radical feminist woman who is attracted to this type of man, there is the constant critique by others of my feminist affinity. I love my boyfriend. I have other heterosexual radical feminist friends who have equally amazing partners. I have accepted the fact that just as society negatively conditions women – it also conditions men. The only reason for my lack of sympathy for men is that we live in a patriarchy and thus men made the conditions for themselves. Do I have a bit more sympathy for men with other underrepresented identities (i.e. race, class, sexual orientation)? Of course! But they still can’t argue that they are more oppressed or discriminated against than women. As a man – black, white, Muslim, gay – you still get paid more than me! The use of feminism as a way to force a certain independence or independent acts upon women is a gross misuse of the goals of the feminist movement. Should women be treated equitably? Yes. But men have to realize in a world where women only achieved the statutory right to vote almost a 100 years ago – women as a whole are not in the position to go directly head to head with men. Therefore, this false attempt to encourage women’s equity in society, is just that – duplicitous. I cannot adhere to it when it just provides a best of both worlds scenario for men. I don’t want a man to think that he can dictate my actions yet he doesn’t financially support me. If you want to assume this “manly role” research what that entails because I assure you it doesn’t entail what many men these days with these alpha male attitudes think. I will not tolerate men who attempt to make a mockery of my feminism by essentially telling me I am not following through. I think I am fully aware – if I was completely following through I would be a lesbian and not have anything to do with you all!